Sunday, November 14, 2010
Alcohol is not my friend.
Moderation is not my strong point. Alcohol is not my friend, moderation is not my strong point. Alcohol is not my friend, moderation is not my strong point. Sorry, that was me trying to learn something I already know. Like, learn it so it actually sticks. Oh yeah, and I wasn't meant to be talking about alcohol anymore was I. But here I am talking about it because it's already finding ways to fuck with my life again. WTF? I have allowed myself to drink the stuff for two piddly weeks and it's already making me feel baaaaad. Okay, so as ashamed as I am to admit it, on Friday night I got pissed. It was a warm, summery evening and we'd had a pretty quiet week at work, so I guess me and my work pals were looking for mischief. And we did have a fun time. At least all the stuff I can remember was fun. And then I woke up at 6am, in my dress from the day before, on my Art Director's sofa, dehydrated as all hell and feeling like death. It is painful to write these things because they are such a ridiculous repeat of past offenses. Have I learnt nothing after all my time off? I didn't drink as much as I would have in the old days, but that doesn't matter. The effect is still the same. And this is what I am noticing. Even if I only have say, two wines, and go to bed suitably hydrated and under control, my brain and mood the next day will still be noticeably affected. All of my sunny optimism and confidence zeros out, and bad thoughts start to haunt me. I start to feel lonely, I start to feel incapable of achieving things, I start to see problems as insurmountable and everlasting. It's instant. How freaky is that? I can pretty much say without doubt now, having conducted this little non-drinking experiment of mine, that alcohol is directly responsible for my feeling bad. For the best part of a year off alcohol, the worst emotions I experienced were annoyance and a little disappointment when people did the odd shit thing. Then I drink some wine and suddenly I'm being haunted by despair? Holy crapping shit and fuck. That's pretty big. So a massive part of me now simply wants to give it all up again and get back to feeling happy all the time. But another part of me doesn't want to be that person wearing the teetotal badge, because of the anti-party vibe everyone attaches to it. So can I drink moderately? I'm actually not sure I can. And even moderate levels of alcohol entering my system seem to be making me feel bad in the head department. So then, do I just pick my occasions, make them very few and far between, be ready for the fact I'll be feeling pretty hideously crap and depressed the next day, and use that as the impetus to not drink for a good while longer? Sounds great doesn't it? Why do I need to drink the stupid stuff at all? I suppose it's because I don't like the idea of there being anything I'm not allowed to do ever again full stop. I like to keep my options open. But how long will it be until I decide the door to foulness should be well and truly shut? I dunno. My brain's a little fuzzy today. Let me get back to you when my head clears.
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And therein lies the dilemma Claire for any of us that have tasted abstinence and then gone back to the dark side. I have been in your space so many times over the years. I can't claim a year off but I know that the last time after four months without booze the mental fog came back immediately I started drinking again (literally after the first session), the gremlins reappeared and those familiar foes anxiety and lethargy came out to greet me! I admire your honesty and integrity, what your year has obviously sharpened is your ability to self-anaylse and indeed rationalise everything - but don't be too hard on yourself, you are already on a very exciting journey - along the way shit happens!
ReplyDeleteYou Got the FEAR
ReplyDeleteOh bugger. I feel for you Claire. Midnightson is right though - you've sharpened your ability to self-analyse...you wouldn't have even known this was a direct effect before (like most of us wouldn't)!
ReplyDeleteI only did 7 weeks off and felt same...and was just wondering yesterday why I felt so shit on Monday & Tuesday this week....ah, that would be all that piss I sunk over the weekend making me paranoid and crazy!!
Good luck if you try the moderation path. I find that as long as I commit to a course of action (be that driving much later on or having a clear head for the next day for something important - even if that is just enjoying my day), I'm good to go with the moderation flow. It's only when I say "fuck it, I'm drinking!" that I go totally overboard...
Dunno whether that will help but maybe food for thought?
I'm sort of (as in started, stoppedm, re-considering) reading 7 Weeks To Safe Social Drinking by Donna J Cornett.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to have some practical ideas to stay in control and enjoy just a few / social drinking (definitely not my forte).
I can't say I've ever committed and stuck to any real length of a break from booze (exception being a successfully completed Dry July this year) so I give you much credit for allowing yourself to put some distance between you and alcohol.
You are self aware and I think that's a killer start. I know you'll be ok, even if you slip a little. You are learning and changing and that takes massive courage.
My goal is to only drink socially and minimally. For eg, a shared bottle of something yum over an equally delish dinner, a couple of bevies here and there with mates. I think I'm a bit like you in that I can't handle my hangovers anymore. I get too anxy and waste a day. So why not just say "oh not tonight" instead of wearing the teetoaller badge. That way you can still live and choose to have a bevie here and there.
Please keep on posting too. You are keeping quite a few of us sane me thinks!
Ah my friend, my non-drinking mentor who in truth inspired my year off the piss, my fellow drinker. The battle between good and evil. The battle between being social, bonding with fellow humans, participating in the rituals of society, letting one's hair down, engaging in debauchery, or just enjoying a drink.... and the negatives that come with it (including depression, weight gain, addiction and time theft).
ReplyDeleteI guess I have the non-drinking perspective now. You are slowly losing yours. The Year Off The Piss will become a blip for you. A dim memory. The perspective, slowly but surely, will be lost, and replaced with a drinking routine that has every chance of ramping over the next 12 months to exactly what it was. Alcohol is like that. It just seems so so good. Why not just one. And if you can have one, why not another, especially if you are having the time of your life. It wouldn't be fair not to. In fact, it would be rude and anti-social not to.
It is interesting you felt flat after two wines one day and was able to push through with a run the next. I found as I got older (35 now) that even small amounts of alcohol made me feel flat the next day. Larger amounts more so.
I think you hit the nail on the head in your blog post where you identified that being off the piss allowed you to focus on larger things. It did not distract you with the routine of being pissed, hung over, depressed or whatnot. You had some clarity.
There aren't any right answers here. No correct behaviour. It is just how you want to spend your time on the planet before it ends, or before you get so old as to not enjoy it as much. Much pleasure can be found in either route, and it is deeply personal.