I have done a crazy thing!

Since arriving in New York this morning I have been stormed by rushes of different, rather unsettling, emotions. On first hitting Manhattan in the car I felt a warm happy feeling of being back in my "home-place" and like this was absolutely the best decision I could have made. This happiness continued when I saw my hotel room, which was unexpectedly large and pleasingly hip, but was then replaced by almost paralysing fear and panic, when I realised I'd neglected to transfer various funds from one account to the next (an oversight that could see me cashless for the weekend), and that I'd forgotten about a couple of large expenses that will take a nasty little bite out of my already limited funds. I am completely unaccustomed to having no foreseeable income, and the feeling is not a pretty one. It brought me to a standstill, heart beating, feverishly biting my nails while calculations and potential disasters/solutions/embarrassments whirled through my head, and the odd fleeting wonder of whether I could maybe just back out immediately, jump on a plane and go home? I'm not sure how long I actually stood still freaking out but it was a decent little while. But then I came to my senses. I snapped out of it, walked around the block, picked up a coffee and a bagel (when in Rome) and resolved to hustle my ass into a job in any way I knew how (or didn't know how!). I decided that if it came down to it, I would work tables or bars like many an aspiring New Yorker before me. And then I set to work emailing and facebooking my contacts, and internet researching the main company I would love to work for. Then again, in today's frame of mind, I'd be deliriously happy to work for any company. It's funny how you can go from complaining bitterly about your job while you're employed, to desperately wishing for that workplace security again when you're apparently living the free, unemployed dream. It would be a different thing if one had limitless cash. But the fact is I don't. So hustle I must. And I will be fine. So then, having spent quite enough time losing my shit indoors, I decided to go and embrace my new outside world - the very definitely magical streets of New York. And I headed for the same place I always go when I need a bit of calming in this big city: Central Park. Strolling along, feeling happily orientated with my easts, wests, norths and souths, past shops and people and iconic sights and finally into the soft, leafy park with its somehow caring and protective gaze, I felt exhilarated and like I couldn't possibly soak up all of the amazingness around me but that I still wanted to try and manage it. So yes, this is definitely a crazy thing to be doing, but I'm extremely lucky and very happy that I am.