This has got to stop.

I remember back in My Year Off The Piss, reader Jamie commented that a blog about me getting pissed all the time wouldn't be quite as charming as one about me resisting the bottle and doing nice sober things instead. Well Jamie, you were right. It seems that this blog, including the post I am writing this very second, has become a catalogue of my drinking mishaps, foul hangovers and some delusional ideas that I might be able to integrate alcohol back into my life in some "healthy" and moderate way. And it's not charming, not in the slightest. Power chucking, for example, is not charming. Doing it at work is even less so. Having a headache that feels like sections of your brain might in fact be dislodging from your head, also is hardly the picture of pleasantness. Yet this was how I spent today. I had to leave work at midday because my body was so poisoned by alcohol that I was quite violently physically ill and I was no longer able to function at work or really in public. This, by no stretch of the imagination, is the manifestation of a problem. And it's something I really don't want to be telling you guys about. It's fucking embarrassing. It's not cool. Reading back over my entries since finishing my sober stint, I can see the slithery fingers of the drug sliding back in and taking hold. First I'm all I can take it or leave it, then I'm just having the odd controlled drink because I feel like it and I can, next thing I'm justifying my right to party and drink all day. As Grogger correctly pointed out in his somewhat sobering comment the other day, I am losing the sober perspective I had gained. Alcohol is sucking me back in. And here I am again, sick as a dog, with my exercise and healthy eating plans derailed again, and in no state to make any progress on any of my projects. What. The. Fuck. And so I made a decision today. I'm not drinking anymore. Part of me is a little afraid of saying that - like, is this a decision that will cut me off from all my peers? Is it a decision I'll regret? But another hulking part of me says don't be such a stupid, fucking pussy. It says, how amazing have you felt all year until now? It says, if the whole world thought it was cool to drink rat poison, would you do that too? I think the thing is, I've kind of realised there is no perfect solution. While I would love it if being teetotal was totally fun all the time with no hard or annoying aspects to it, I've realised (miraculously) that's not how things roll. What it's about is working out the solution that gives you the most enjoyment and comparatively little angst. What I've also worked out is that psychologically, I'm more comfortable with absolutes than I am with loose guidelines. I could say something like, okay so I'll only drink on really special occasions. But that leaves all sorts of stuff up to interpretation. In my head I'm much happier saying simply: I don't drink. It's easy. I know where I stand. There's no negotiating with a statement like that. And just by the way, why on earth do we view a carcinogenic, vomit inducing substance as a reward? Hooray everyone, let's celebrate this wonderful occasion by making ourselves sick. Now I know not everyone feels the need to drink to excess and make themselves ill, but when it comes to me and booze it seems I'm a little incapable of keeping things in check. Sometimes I can drink in a controlled way, but "sometimes" is a way too unruly concept for where I want my life to be right now. I think too, there's a difference between taking a year off alcohol and swearing off it for good. When you take a year off, you can kind of leave certain difficulties you encounter unresolved. Say, for example, when I realised that meeting boys was going to be hard while sober. There was a part of me that just kind of said, okay, so I might not meet boys for a year. So what? But if you're looking at the rest of your life, you kind of need to work that shit out. Which is good. (And let's not forget that I discovered it was perfectly possible to meet and have a fabulous time with boys while sober, given the right circumstances.) I think, kind of ironically, by taking what seems like a bigger stand and saying I don't drink full stop (rather than I'm not drinking for a certain amount of time) it has the potential to make the whole thing less of a big deal. You make the decision, people get used to it, and you all keep moving. So here goes people (are you with me?). Goodbye alcohol. Hello to the rest of my life.